Wednesday, July 09, 2014

How to Have the Biggest Accident

Throughout my travels, I have observed riders who obviously wanted to crash and burn, but were just too inept to actually go ahead and do so. There are those who pull into your lane mere millimeters in front of you, but actually dare to turn on their indicator while doing that. Then there are those who end up facing us while going the wrong way with no headlight, but at least they have the grace to shout profanities at us when we manage to make the incomparable blunder of missing them. And then of course, there are the drunks who haven't had the chance to drink enough to really get dangerously drunk, and just end up riding really slowly.

Here is a guidebook to all these great spirits; may this help you all attain your goal as quickly as you can.

1. Drink. A Lot.

Well, obviously. There's no point in just drinking one peg before going on the road. Even if you crash, which you almost certainly will, you will have been going so slowly that it won't make any difference. Down at least a full bottle before you set off on that highway blast. Make sure you are drunk enough to not be able to walk in a straight line, let alone ride.

2. Blast Loud Music In Your Headphones

Listening to the sounds in your vicinity is a trap set by society, and doesn't apply to you free souls. Don't pay any attention to horns, brake squeals, and screams. They are somebody else's concern. Focus on twisting that thing in your right hand.

3. Text While Riding

Any old buffoon can TALK while riding, but it takes something extra to TEXT while riding. When you are texting, you obviously need to take your eyes off the road, which is virtually the best way of ensuring an accident does happen. Don't care about the road, it'll be there. Until the moment when it won't. And don't even think about stopping at the side of the road to text, what schmuck does that?!

4. Don't Sleep the Night Before

It is but logical that a well-rested body and mind is crucial to being safe on the road. So, obviously you need to keep yourself awake all through the night, so that you can fall asleep on the bike. After all, we all sleep during bus/train/plane journeys, so why not sleep on a bike ride, eh? Common sense, isn't it?

5. DO NOT Wear a Helmet

Are you crazy? Were you even considering the idea of wearing a damn helmet? You mean that damn thing that takes away all the joy of having the wind blasting through your hair? That useless thing that feels so heavy on your head and messes up your oh-so-carefully-arranged hairstyle? Are you mad? Leave it at home, or just throw it away. Helmets are for noobs who value such stupid things as their lives.

6. Overtake on the Left


Just keep repeating that mantra.

7. Never Indicate

Seriously, never. I mean it. Why wear down your battery on something as needless as effing indicators? And on that note, never use your headlight, either. But of course, that goes without saying!

Good luck on your mission!

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